Let me be real with you… long distance sucks. In fact, it is by far, if not the most, difficult thing I have ever gone through. Now, before that sounds too dramatic, let me acknowledge that there are much, much worse things to go through and I feel blessed that this is what I’ve been dealt. That being said, when you truly find someone you love more than anything in this world, and you can’t always be with them on holidays, to celebrate promotions, to kiss them before work, to hug after a tough day, to talk to in person, to make dinner with, or even to go grocery shopping with… it is undesirable at best, and miserable at worst.
I speak from experience here when I say this, because I’ve lived it. Even sitting here now writing this, I am living it. You see, my fiancé and I have been in a long-distance relationship for what feels like an eternity. We met when we were 8 years old in third grade, started dating when we were 15, and got engaged at 22. When we were 17, I moved 2 hours away from our hometown for college, and after graduation, I moved 8 hours away to start my career in a city that promised opportunity and a bit more sunshine. What this boils down to is that our relationship has been long distance for approximately 5 years.
As silly as this all may seem, anyone who has ever experienced any sort of long distance knows that it’s painstaking and often feels unbearable. In this day and age, having a long-distance relationship inevitably means being connected by the internet. Cue me, who has been called out on multiple occasions for pointing to my phone when referencing my S.O. in conversation. Accordingly, I have learned a lot of things along the way as to how to best utilize my phone, the internet, apps, and social media to maintain our relationship in the best, most fun way possible while being apart.
The key and theme here is feeling more connected and continuing to grow as a couple. As you’ll see, these tips all stem from ways to communicate better and in different ways that allow you to be involved in each others’ lives and make you feel like you’re spending time together, even when you’re physically separated.
I want to stress that this post isn’t just for those with S.O.s that are deployed or live states or countries apart. Long distance is relative to each and every relationship and while some people’s normal is to go months without seeing each other, some struggle being away on business for the week or even being away for one night. Although these tips are written for a romantic relationship, they don’t have to just apply to your S.O. either. Just swap out the titles and you’ll be good to go! Oftentimes moving away and/or becoming an adult means that you’re leaving behind family and friends that you want to maintain contact with. Regardless of the situation, the “see you later” doesn’t mean your relationship, whatever kind, has to pause until the next “hello.”
My fiancé and I have been long-distance for upwards of 5 years, and believe me I’ve been through all the ups and downs. Here are the things I’ve found that, when we implement regularly, make us feel more happy and connected.
1. Know Why You’re Doing It
Not to beat a dead horse here, but long distance is HARD. I’m not saying you have to know that you’re going to marry the person when you enter into it, I certainly didn’t, but having a semi-decent foundation and similar expectations of boundaries and what your relationship means will help drastically. Essentially, you should both have a shared belief that this relationship is at least worth working towards the possibility of a future together.
2. Have Realistic Expectations of Your Partner
This is life and since we’re human it’s pretty likely that at some point your S.O. is going to be in a bad mood. While your S.O. certainly shouldn’t be taking things out on you, it is critical to remember that their bad mood doesn’t necessarily mean they’re mad at you. I can think of plenty of times when one of us would be in a lovey-dovey romantic mood from replaying memories, looking at pictures, or rereading texts or letters and expecting the other to be in the same mood at the exact same time. You may be off work but your partner could be in the middle of a really stressful shift. Try your hardest to not get your feelings hurt, to be understanding, not to lash out, and to be supportive when your partner needs you. Maybe the conversation isn’t the loving one you wanted to have, but lending an ear to listen and “be there” for you S.O. when they are feeling low can make your relationship stronger. P.S. these moments don’t just happen when long-distance, but I mention them because not seeing each other regularly can put pressure on the moments when you do get to talk.
On a similar note, you will not always be free at the same time. Try to be understanding when your S.O. is busy and can’t talk. Whether they’re at work or hanging out with friends, they need time for a life too. Communicate with each other regularly to figure out and set expectations for the best times to talk, particularly if your schedules change often like ours did.
3. Turn Read Receipts On
I know, I know. This one is cringy. Trust me, I too am one of those who reads the message, responds in my head, and discovers 2-3 business days later that I never actually responded. However, turning read receipts on for the one closest to you gives reassurance that they’re not ignoring you, they’re just busy. It decreases those moments, you know, where you spill your heart or say something goofy and feel like an idiot or have your heart broken all night because you think they don’t feel the same way or think you’re a loon and are gone for good. While it won’t always be effective, meaning sometimes you will still be left on read, it may prevent the freak out that would’ve ensued when you see that they haven’t read the message because it’s actually only been 15 minutes, and maybe you are a little bit of a loon because you worked up a million ridiculous scenarios in your head all while they were taking a shower. Remember, they still love you and they haven’t forgotten about you. Regain perspective and chill.
4. Keep Each Other Updated on Daily Activities
In a non-long-distance relationship, your S.O. is likely to know the little “insignificant” intricacies of your life like nail appointments, meetings, that you missed the bus, are going grocery shopping, or daily things you’re trying to implement (like trying to drink more water or really liking kale smoothies these days). In a long-distance relationship, this stuff can be easily left out, leaving you feeling like there’s nothing to talk about. However, by knowing the normalcies of your S.O.’s life you will feel more connected and likely have a lot more to talk about. This leads right into my next point…
5. Share Your Calendar
This one took us years to figure out, but sharing our calendars helped tremendously with understanding what was going on in the other person’s life and being reasonable about what that meant for your relationship that day. I travel for work so my days when I’m in Charlotte can look very different than my days when I’m in a different city or small town. I may work slightly different hours and usually have a different routine/workload that significantly impacts how much and when we can talk. Pile that on top of the fact that he’s a police officer and works swing shifts and sometimes doubles, and that makes it impossible for us to set aside regular, dedicated “us” time when we can focus on each other and spend time together.
One of the issues early on, and this goes back to my point about being understanding, was that we didn’t know each others’ schedules. I’d be at work at noon, halfway through my day, feeling sad and wondering why he hadn’t texted me back when in reality he was sleeping because he had gotten home at 8 AM. You can incorporate sharing of calendars to as great/little of an extent as you and your S.O. are comfortable with, but for us, it helped as a reminder for what shift he was working, what city I was in, and when we had meetings, appointments, or plans scheduled with friends so we could get a better picture in our heads of what was going on in that person’s life (are they crazy busy or just laying around). In turn, this allowed us to form reasonable expectations and a better understanding of what it meant for our talking patterns that day. This also makes it super easy to see overlap in days off to plan trips. I also shared my calendar with my mom because we are super close and it helps with our communication patterns as well.
6. Use Multiple Social Media Platforms
As silly as this may sound, there is a giddy feeling that comes from looking at your phone and seeing that you have multiple notifications from your S.O. on different forums. Something about a good morning text, cute dog video on Facebook Messenger, romantic quote on Insta, and a silly good morning snap feels a who lot more fun and connecting than the same amount of text notifications. Using different social media platforms in addition to normal texting is a great and fun way to share photos, words, and songs just like you would laying in bed together watching videos and laughing. Get a snap streak going, comment on each others’ photos, send pictures of places you want to go together, or things that make you think of them. These little reminders that you’re being thought about throughout the day really help to curb the loneliness.
7. Video Message
This one is a given, but deserves to be mentioned. Whether you’re both Apple fans and use FaceTime or prefer something like Snap video calling or Skype, there is something special about being able to see your loved one in real time as they carry out their everyday activities. It’s great whether you’re laying around, doing something exciting and want to share the moment (ex. a concert or new place), or are even just doing dishes and want to be able to look over and see each others’ faces. It’s honestly the little moments like these that make the most difference.
8. Create Shared Goals and Work on Them Together
…or compete. An easy way to feel connected is to always have something that you’re working on together that you can talk about daily. This could be different depending on your interests and what you like to do as a couple, but a good example is health/fitness challenges. Keep each other accountable for a certain way of eating, whether you’re giving up an item, encouraging each other to eat more greens, drink more water, or lose a certain amount of weight. Brandon and I had a shared Google Sheet at one point where we logged our meals and weight in an effort to be more mindful of healthy eating habits and we loved it in that season. This could also look like challenging each other to step goals, where you can compete and send little teasing comments on FitBit or the Apple Watch, adding each other as friends on a fitness app, or doing a workout over FaceTime. Other fun bonding ideas are reading the same book or watching the same series, whether at the same time or whenever your schedule permits, and debriefing after.
9. Even when There Feels Like No Time, Make Time
With our vastly differing schedules, it would sometimes feel like there wasn’t even time where we were awake at the same time let alone able to talk. Sometimes one of you has to wake up a little earlier or go to sleep a little later, but those squeezed in moments are better than nothing and sometimes are just enough to help you go to bed or start your day with a smile on your face.
10. DO NOT Compare Your Long-Distance Relationship With Someone Else’s
Long distance is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It’s not something I would recommend or wish on anyone, but I strongly believe that it’s worth it a million times over if circumstances exist for it to be that way and if it’s with the right person. That being said, long distance is relative, and we quickly adjust to our circumstances. I’ve been “used to” going 1-1.5 months without seeing Brandon and it was just as excruciating at times as it was over a one week vacation or a few tough days.
The same is true for your friends. Give them grace and love on them when they are missing their S.O., even if in that moment they are two days without seeing theirs and you are two months without seeing yours. Time apart is relative to your normal, and just because yours is a little different from your friends’ doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting too. Put the snarky comments that come from the hurt aside and be there for your friend when they need you. Friends are there to make the brokenness more bearable.
11. Remind Your S.O. How Much They Mean to You
Even though you’ve told them that you love them a million times and you know deep in your bones that they know it, a little reassurance never hurts. If you’re thinking of your S.O., let them know. Trust me, even a simple “I miss you” text can brighten someone’s whole day.
Closing Remarks
As I sit here and write this, I am reflecting back on my 2.5 years living 8 hours away from my future husband. I think of the pain, sadness, and joy that comes from choosing to be with someone that you can’t physically be with, all with the hope that someday you will, and the worry of if it will all work out. My friends, although not every story is a love story, and mine has been far from perfect, I can tell you that fighting through long distance for what I am about to experience for the rest of my life was worth it a million times over.
If you are in a similar situation to mine at all, just know that my heart is with you and you will get through this. Don’t ever underestimate the power of prayer, friends, and long talks with your mom.
I hope you can implement at least one of these tips in your future or existing relationships so that you and your loved ones can live your best lives together, even from a distance.
Have these tips helped you? Do you have any other things that have helped you and your loved one? Share your thoughts in the comments below and if this post has helped you, use the share button to decrease the distance between lovers everywhere.
